Things in SM/Fanfic That Make Me Lose My S**t

When I read the Twilight Saga (no, I still haven’t finished Breaking Dawn), there were a few things that just drove me fucking insane! Not just crazy…or nuts…but fucking insane. Now that I’m reading lots of fanfic (yes, I know I should finish Breaking Dawn instead), I’ve noticed, in even my favorite stories, these same things keep popping up.

So, without further ado, let’s count down my top three fucking annoying Stephenie Meyer/fanfic writing cliches:

Rob can narrow his eyes any time he wants.

Rob can narrow his eyes any time he wants.

3) I/He/She narrowed my/his/her eyes.

What the hell does that even mean?! Are they squinting? Here’s Merriam Webster’s definition of squinting:

to look or peer with eyes partly closed

Sure sounds like narrowing of the eye, which, if you think about, sounds a lot like pink eye without the pink. You know other words that could be used instead of narrowed?

compressed
condensed
constricted
contracted
squeezed
tightened

Or you could just say squinted.

Maybe Jasper looked pained because he didnt realize he was holding his breath. Oh, yeah, he doesnt breathe.

Maybe Jasper looked pained because he didn't realize he was holding his breath. Oh, yeah, he doesn't breathe.

2) I released a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.

How do you not realize that you’re holding your breath? I can understand not realizing you left the lights on or you have spinach in your teeth, but not realizing you have ceased exchanging oxygen for carbon dioxide? If you can miss the fact that you’ve stopped breathing, it would just seem to also follow that you wouldn’t notice the fact that you’ve started again. Every time I read this, I imagine some blue-faced character with early onset brain damage and organs starving for oxygen.

Did Juliet lick Romeos bottom lip to get him to give her some tongue?

Did Juliet lick Romeo's bottom lip to get him to give her some tongue?

1) Licking the bottom lip to get the tongue play going.

I may be an old married woman, but I’ve kissed a few fellas in my time. And not once, not ever, did I lick his bottom lip to get him to start the French-kissing portion of the evening. Seriously, when you’re kissing someone, can’t you just feel them open their mouth against yours?

I decided that maybe I was just a little tramp and good girls did the licking thing…you know, to be polite and all. I asked DH, and he said he’d never experienced it. (Damn straight, because he never kissed a woman before I came into his sheltered life.)

One night, DH leans over to give me a little peck, and he swipes his tongue right across my bottom lip. And let me tell you something: it is creepy and gross! Now, knowing DH, he just overdid it, but I didn’t like it. If he does it again, he may lose a lip or two.

Stephenie, you know I love you girl. And fanfic authors, I still love you even if your story’s first sentence is, “He narrowed his eyes as she released a breath she didn’t realize she was holding and kissed him, licking his bottom lip to gain entrance.” But, for all that’s holy, call bullshit if you read any of these in my fanfic!

~ by fragile little human on 14 July 2009.

17 Responses to “Things in SM/Fanfic That Make Me Lose My S**t”

  1. LOL! I ❤ this post!

  2. This is fecking priceless! You kill me. Seeing as how I’ve read more fanfic than I care to mention, 3/4 of those fics have all three lines!

  3. lol, this never caught my eye before, but as you mentioned it now i realized how right you are. From now one I´ll always remember you when reading those lines, specially this lip licking thing!
    Just like you cannot watch the Bella dreaming scene anymore, Tit for tat *wink*

  4. I completely agree with your Top 3. I would add on to #2 by adding the I/He/She released a breathe even though they didn’t need to breathe…I see that “breathe” cliche alot too.

  5. Yes, I totally agree! Especially with number 2! I just wish one of these days the person would just pass out instead. You better not have any of this shit in your fanfic…or else I am totally calling you out.

  6. ROTFL – I totally agree, and I could add some more to it. As much as I heart Twilight, I found it very poorly written in the first place. That’s what pissed me off when I fell for it. My (usually dominant) analytical mind went berserc, but I couldn’t help it – my heart swelled with the romantic overkill of the story.
    (Mrs. Meyer is the champion of repetition. Have you read ‘The Host’? Same difference.)

    But cliche aside – what really, REALLY FREAKIN’ maddened me in ‘Breaking Dawn’, this ‘dragged me into the water’ whatever nonsense on Ilse Esme, and the… CUT! I mean, really, WTF?!? And the next thing is Edward all whining and moaning, plus one or two frazzled pillows?? God….

  7. I love this… all of this. What I love the mostest is that I just learned you have not finished BD. And I must now search through your blog to find out why not. I mean, I could guess, there are plenty of reasons. BUT I must know the real reason. AND I might have to add to any fanfic I may or may not be writing “I released a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.” or “I/He/She narrowed my/his/her eyes.” Because holy fuck I will be dying knowing that you HATE IT! *smug ass grin*

    • LOL I read your post and now I know that you do know how to fucking restrain yourself. But that restrain was no match for Wide Awakeward! LOL I LOVE IT! 🙂 Where are you anyways in Breaking Dawn?

    • Okay, you are just eeevil! Making your characters hold their breath and squint. So cruel. There is more to the BD story than just what is on this blog. I told @Mrs_Robward that I’d write a post explaining it once I finally finish the book. No matter how embarrassing it will be…

      • The loverly thing about writing a story is that you can pretty much do what ever you want to your characters right? But realize now, IF you ever see a story by me and poor Edward is blue in the face, while squinting and trying to lick Bella’s bottom lip, that’s all for you. *wink* I tease, but seriously I will have a hard time not writing it in.

        Also I am eager to hear about all your BD madness.

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